January 4, 2010

naulit na naman

I want to share this blog to all my gay friends, female gays, at sa lahat ng mga taong marunong umintindi ng binabasa.

I dont get it actually. It felt awkward and strange knowing that it could possibly happen to me again at any given time, whenever im vulnerable. I dont know…it just happen out of certain situations. Nandyan lang sila sa paligid. Kasabay mu sa araw-araw na takbo ng buhay. Sa umpisa, hindi sila madaling matukoy. Malalaman mo nalang intensyon nila pag kumilos na sila ng kahina-hinala sayo.

I wasnt born yesterday!

Alam ko naman kung ano mga nangyayare sa paligid ko at alam kung may mga ganun klase ng tao talaga. This country is on longer conservative as before (oops, pardon me Church). In fact, most of us were already liberated when it comes to sex (ayan, binanggit ko na yung term). The liberated idea of sex applies to all, specially to homosexual relationship where it is partially, if not totally, accepted by the people.

Anyways, going back to my thing, hindi na ko naninibago dahil nga madalas naman mangyari yung mga ganitong pagkakataon saken. Wont believe it but it all started when I was still in highschool. Nandun yung, they will look at you intently in the eyes. You know something’s going on. And then suddenly they’ll look for a chance to sit beside you, talk a little then hands starting to crawl. Yung iba nga very diplomatic in insisting pa nga eh. It happens everywhere, anytime. Pag nakasakay ako sa jeep, sa bus, pag nanunuod ako mag-isa ng sine, at kahit nga minsan naglalakad lang ako kalsada.

Whenever I get caught in that situation, I dont yell or start a fight because if I do, it’s my shame afterall. I simply turn the conversation down and walk away.

duh?!? Ipokrito naman ako kung sasabihin kung ni minsan hindi ako tinalaban sa kanila noh. Kaya nga minsan napapaisip ako kung hanggang kelan ko kaya makakayang makaiwas.

To feed your curiousity, their ages varied from I guess 25-35 yrs, and their faces I could on longer recall if they were ugly or so-so because actually it’s not the thing that bothers me. Iniisip ko kung alam kaya nila na gay ako? or please dont tell me, napagkamalan nilang straight ako?

Hahahaha!

Seriously, maybe this is not a big issue specially sa mga taong sanay na sa ganung gawain lalo na dun sa mga kagaya ko ng karanasan pero kumagat sa ganitong sistema at inenjoy nalang ang lahat. Alam ko naman na basically, sex is a need. But dear, you cannot just find it elsewhere! Naku, siguradong magtataasan ng kilay ang mga kabaro dyan. To homosexual colleagues, sex is a casual topic and activity. Normal nilang pinag-uusapan kung sino na ‘booking’ nila kagabi o kung sino nakasked sa kanila mamaya, etc. Minsan yun ang di ko maintindihan sa iba talaga. Basta’t ginusto nila, wag lang sila makahanap ng konting tyempo at tamang timing, malingat ka lang ng konti, ayun naka ‘aura’ na agad.

Take note, these were educated gays pa minsan huh. Hindi naman sa nagmamalinis ako but I guess, hindi na yun ‘need’ tama? makati nalang siguro talaga. Well, yung iba lang naman, hindi ko naman nilalahat. But honestly, I dont feel any condemnation towards them. Ni hindi ako nakadarama ng kahit konting pandidiri sa mga gays na ganun (lalo na sa mga kaibigan ko), or even to those people I was mentioning earlier. Minsan nga naiisip ko, maarte lang ba talaga ko, pakipot, pa’virgin’ or anything like that?

Well, alam ko naman ang konsepto ng tama at mali but naturally, Im just being human. And it is human to make mistakes. I an not afraid that tempt will come again, because it always will. Alam ko naman na posibleng dumating yung pagkakataon na maging mahina ako at bumigay lalo na pag gwapo naman talaga.

(joke lang! walang mgrereak. Haha!)

Straightforward as they said, lalaki padin naman ako. I have nothing to lose in case I give in.

FROM MY POINT OF VIEW, siguro natatakot lang ako na ma’hooked’ at tuluyang lamunin ng ganung klase ng gawain. Mahirap na kasing lumabas sa ganung sistema kung masyado kang mapusok at ipagwalang bahala ang mga posibleng kahantungan ng mga ginagawa mo. Isa pa, ayokong dumating yung punto na hindi nga ako nandidiri sa iba, sa sarili ko naman. . .

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